Saturday, March 3, 2012

That didn't take terribly long

And now, I'm having an identity crisis.  For so long I was 'Stay At Home Mom'.  I had playdates, I went to the park, I cooked a TON.  Then I had three kids, and something changed.  For some reason "THREE" was the magical number of kids that made it nearly  impossible to leave the house, or get to other people's houses, or, it seems, still have some kind of life beyond my identity of 'Mom'.  So, in short, this had been a hard year for my SAHM self.

Insert part-time job.  Insert the assumption that if I did great at part-time, I'd do even better at full-time.  And so, I did it.  And I rocked it.  Seriously.  I did amazing.  I'd forgotten what a freaking rock-star I could be.  How well I could do.  And then I got fired.

One day I was doing amazing, all of my feedback was amazing, my employees loved me, my customers loved me, my boss loved me.  Then I got sick (maybe bronchitis?  or pneumonia?  something pretty awful with a fever and horrid cough) and before I could get better I was told "this isn't working".  The only clue to why was that my boss didn't think I'd been there enough.  Because, somehow, 65 hours isn't enough.

I handled it so well.  Gracefully, professionally, showing nothing but praise and understanding for them.  But, I'll be honest, I'm angry, and my self-esteem is shattered.  I can know that there's nothing more I could've done.  I couldn't control whether or not I got sick, I couldn't really work more than I did, especially being sick.  And I'm sure it's all a part of God's grand plan, but right now I just feel defeated.

I'm back to working on projects around the house, this week we've gotten chickens, I've moved my garden beds so I can better mow around them, I've dug out and gone through my seeds, I started building a fort for the kids out of pallets, I've been cleaning.  But I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next.  Do I stay here and wait until John finds a job, do I continue my job search and find... full-time?  part-time?  work again?  I just don't know, and I'm in a rare spot of being terrified.  Terrified of being clueless and of not having any clear path or direction in life, because I ALWAYS have clear direction.

I went to Crystal Bridges yesterday with my friend, Michele, and saw a beautiful piece of art that I'll leave you with, it's by Mary McCleary and it's called "The Falcon Cannot Hear the Falconer".  And it's a mixed-media mosaic.  Those aren't brush strokes.  It's amazing in person!

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Have you ever tried not chasing an answer? Just sitting quietly and listening for direction? I know; not your style. But it's in the still, small voice that wisdom speaks. And it takes quiet, reflective focus to listen for it....
I love you!