Sunday, March 11, 2012

Growing Anew

Ugh, I hate failing.  I try to remember how great people always failed.  Lincoln failed.  Edison failed.  And even from a worldly view Jesus looked like a pretty big screw up.  The thing that I admire about utter and complete failures is their ability to bounce back and not let their failure define them.  And so, I spam you with inspirational quotes that teach us how to properly look at those events in life that tear us down.


I'm taking steps forward.  I'm looking onward, and upward.  I'm finding a new path for myself and realizing that the reason this is all hitting me so hard is because I've tied my identity to what I do and how I do at it rather than who I am.  Which makes for a fragile ego.  Ever changing depending on what I've done and how well I've done it.  Looking at it like this sounds so exhausting.

So, I'm going back to the start (yes, I singing Coldplay as I type that).  Who does God say that I am?  

I am a child of God and an heir with Christ.  
I am accepted by Christ.  
I am the temple of the Spirit of God.  
I am chosen, holy and blameless before Him.  
I am God's workmanship, created to do good works.  
I have been made complete in Christ.

It's really been a call back to His word.  For a long time I've been having one way conversations with God.  I've been talking and talking and talking, but not taking the time to listen.  I think it's very easy to get caught up  in other identities when you're not taking in wisdom.  My starting places in the bible when I've spent a season out of the Word is typically Hebrews or 1 & 2 Kings.  So, I started in Hebrews.  I'm going to inextricably tie my identity in the One who never disappoints.

In other news - I started my seedlings.  There is new life everywhere.  I even took pictures of them, but I'd have to manage to find my cord o share those with you...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

That didn't take terribly long

And now, I'm having an identity crisis.  For so long I was 'Stay At Home Mom'.  I had playdates, I went to the park, I cooked a TON.  Then I had three kids, and something changed.  For some reason "THREE" was the magical number of kids that made it nearly  impossible to leave the house, or get to other people's houses, or, it seems, still have some kind of life beyond my identity of 'Mom'.  So, in short, this had been a hard year for my SAHM self.

Insert part-time job.  Insert the assumption that if I did great at part-time, I'd do even better at full-time.  And so, I did it.  And I rocked it.  Seriously.  I did amazing.  I'd forgotten what a freaking rock-star I could be.  How well I could do.  And then I got fired.

One day I was doing amazing, all of my feedback was amazing, my employees loved me, my customers loved me, my boss loved me.  Then I got sick (maybe bronchitis?  or pneumonia?  something pretty awful with a fever and horrid cough) and before I could get better I was told "this isn't working".  The only clue to why was that my boss didn't think I'd been there enough.  Because, somehow, 65 hours isn't enough.

I handled it so well.  Gracefully, professionally, showing nothing but praise and understanding for them.  But, I'll be honest, I'm angry, and my self-esteem is shattered.  I can know that there's nothing more I could've done.  I couldn't control whether or not I got sick, I couldn't really work more than I did, especially being sick.  And I'm sure it's all a part of God's grand plan, but right now I just feel defeated.

I'm back to working on projects around the house, this week we've gotten chickens, I've moved my garden beds so I can better mow around them, I've dug out and gone through my seeds, I started building a fort for the kids out of pallets, I've been cleaning.  But I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next.  Do I stay here and wait until John finds a job, do I continue my job search and find... full-time?  part-time?  work again?  I just don't know, and I'm in a rare spot of being terrified.  Terrified of being clueless and of not having any clear path or direction in life, because I ALWAYS have clear direction.

I went to Crystal Bridges yesterday with my friend, Michele, and saw a beautiful piece of art that I'll leave you with, it's by Mary McCleary and it's called "The Falcon Cannot Hear the Falconer".  And it's a mixed-media mosaic.  Those aren't brush strokes.  It's amazing in person!